i wrote the majority of my eBook in a week during the summer.
i knew immediately what it was i would be writing about – all spring there was this recurring theme of pulling the little girl inside out of hiding. allowing her a voice, a chance to speak to me and an opportunity for me to listen.
it’s a hard lesson to learn.
through these exercises, i came to accept my broken relationship with food and how memories of my past fueled these tendencies to binge.
pairing these two things together took 25 years.
25 years of turning to food for comfort.
25 years of hiding my emotions in a milkshake.
25 years of fearing God instead of falling into an intimate trust.
it was reading a book in which the author stated that our feelings and habits toward food begin as early as four years old that i broke.
sitting in my counselor’s office, i whispered the words i think i have an eating disorder and she began telling me that the method of survival when i was younger – my life jacket that got me through the day – had now become my straight jacket.
in other words, what gave me relief from pain before was now keeping me from experiencing true freedom.
and when i shared with her that i remember hiding in the food pantry shoving as many cookies in my mouth as i could muster, she smiled.
“of course you did. it’s how you found love. but now you have resources to fight it.”
and i do fight it. daily.
it’s been proven that the very dendrites sparked at the moment of hunger are the same dendrites sparked and used in moments of rejection and despair.
slowly, these automatic reflexes are trading out for normal ones. i know where to go now – i know i can call a friend, know i can whisper weakness to my husband.
even more: i know how to listen to the little girl.
here’s the thing – for so long, my response to emotional pain of any kind reflected a life lived numb. i’d silent her pleas for attention, my heart growing cold to the tiny finger raising an objection.
writing this book was a small step in giving her a voice.
it’s not long and it embraces the messiness of my past few months of healing. but this is why i feel it’s so important – i’m not healed completely – i still struggle and i still have days where i fight the voices telling me i’m not good enough. it only takes a second – whether it be words read or a conversation overheard – for me to reach for numbing agents.
it’s in these moments i cling to grace and remember the words of a wise friend – baby steps count, elora. always.
and i turn from running, take a deep breath, and let Beauty wash over me one more time.
buy elora nicole’s new eBook, ‘When Beauty Pursues You,’ here.