Tag Archives: binging

When food becomes a way to control your environment (Guest Post by Paula Jenkins)

Posted on by
4

otherfamily_crop

About three months ago to the day, my family celebrated little Zoom’s first birthday. It was a lovely event. Family and friends came over for an elephant themed party. I owe you guys some photos of that party.

There is likely a reason I’ve haven’t posted those photos. When I went back and looked at myself I was shocked.

At the time, I no longer fit into my clothes. In fact, I had gotten so heavy that I did not own a single pair of pants that fit me, and I’d moved on to wearing dresses because it was all that fit.

Now I see that I’d been eating because I was still upset and confused about the traumatic events that surrounded Zoom’s birth. There was so little I could control over those 56 hours. I’d gone in to labor naturally, and then labored for 56 hours. The doctor quickly decided at about hour 54 that I would need a cesarean. When Zoom was born, he had respiratory issues and was in the hospital for six days. He did not come home with us. None of this was in a birth plan, anywhere, except in the back of my mind as the things that just couldn’t happen, ever.

Every pregnant lady probably has one of those “in case” discussions with her partner, husband, coach. I’d told Sean one night “If for any reason they have to take the baby away from me in the delivery room, you follow the baby. I’m strong, I can be alone, I won’t be as scared as the baby. You go with our baby and talk to him. He knows your voice and knows you will keep him safe.” I get tears in my eyes now knowing that something I said as a “not a chance in the world this will happen” discussion is what ended up happening. Just before I went in to the operating room, I told my doctor that I could only do this if Sean was allowed to leave with the baby and my mom or sister was allowed to come in after he left with Zoom. And that is how it happened. My mom came in and stayed with me as Sean took our baby to the nursery.

A year later, food had become a way to control my environment. And based on the terrifying events of Zoom’s birth, the world had become a scary, unpredictable place. Food was predictable. Feeling full was predictable and comforting. I was holding on to what I could to keep going.

Nearly 12 weeks later, I’ve lost 9.42% of my starting weight, meaning I’ve lost about 13 pounds. It may not seem like a lot based on “Biggest Loser” standards, but a 10% loss is good. It means nearly 2 pant sizes on me. I’m 4’10″ tall.

For me, this weight loss has been a great deal more than losing 13 pounds. I’m regaining “Me.” The parts of me that got lost somewhere on September 9, 2010 before Zoom was born, as the cesarean was becoming a reality. The parts of me that battle to re-believe that I am strong, that I am capable, that I am in control. The parts of me that are fierce, unstoppable, and excellent. The woman who excitedly stated to the front desk at Labor and Delivery “I’m here to have a baby,” is re-awakening to all that it means to be alive. She is here, she is brave and she ready to take on the world.

(thank you, Paula, for sharing your heart here today…)

weight loss challenge

grace (eventually)…. thoughts on binging and dieting by anne lamott

Posted on by
4

i’ve been reading her, again, this anne lamott who says things i believe. it’s like she’s in my head, and i want to share her thoughts on binging and self-worth and Jesus with you, here below. (love to you all, on this healing journey…)

“whenever i want to either binge or diet, it means that there is some part of me that is deeply afraid. i had been worrying about (my son) more than usual, and only partly because he had just begun to drive. i had been worried sick about Bush for five years now. there was a terrifying epidemic of breast cancer in my county; like so many others, i had friends who were trying to survive. and lately i’d fallen back into my old habit of acting like classroom helper to the world, doing too many favors for people… i had been to a funeral. i had had a molar pulled. i had recently seen the skin on the back of my neck under fluorescent lights in a hotel mirror. i hadn’t seen it in years; not it looked like it was upholstered in a few inches of the Utah desert. everything was too much.

“all i could think to do was what every addict thinks of doing: kill the pain… anyone would understand if you binged every so often… even Jesus would, although somehow i don’t see him ripping open a package of Hostess Ding Dongs for me. but thinking of him reminded me that food would not fill the holes or quiet the fear. only love would; only my own imperfect love would.” (anne lamott, grace eventually, 53-54)

when beauty pursues you (guest post by elora nicole)

Posted on by
9

i wrote the majority of my eBook in a week during the summer.

i knew immediately what it was i would be writing about – all spring there was this recurring theme of pulling the little girl inside out of hiding. allowing her a voice, a chance to speak to me and an opportunity for me to listen.

it’s a hard lesson to learn.

through these exercises, i came to accept my broken relationship with food and how memories of my past fueled these tendencies to binge.

pairing these two things together took 25 years.

25 years of turning to food for comfort.
25 years of hiding my emotions in a milkshake.
25 years of fearing God instead of falling into an intimate trust.

it was reading a book in which the author stated that our feelings and habits toward food begin as early as four years old that i broke.

sitting in my counselor’s office, i whispered the words i think i have an eating disorder and she began telling me that the method of survival when i was younger – my life jacket that got me through the day – had now become my straight jacket.

in other words, what gave me relief from pain before was now keeping me from experiencing true freedom.

and when i shared with her that i remember hiding in the food pantry shoving as many cookies in my mouth as i could muster, she smiled.

“of course you did. it’s how you found love. but now you have resources to fight it.”

and i do fight it. daily.

it’s been proven that the very dendrites sparked at the moment of hunger are the same dendrites sparked and used in moments of rejection and despair.

slowly, these automatic reflexes are trading out for normal ones. i know where to go now – i know i can call a friend, know i can whisper weakness to my husband.

even more: i know how to listen to the little girl.

here’s the thing – for so long, my response to emotional pain of any kind reflected a life lived numb. i’d silent her pleas for attention, my heart growing cold to the tiny finger raising an objection.

writing this book was a small step in giving her a voice.

it’s not long and it embraces the messiness of my past few months of healing. but this is why i feel it’s so important – i’m not healed completely – i still struggle and i still have days where i fight the voices telling me i’m not good enough. it only takes a second – whether it be words read or a conversation overheard – for me to reach for numbing agents.

but God.

it’s in these moments i cling to grace and remember the words of a wise friend – baby steps count, elora. always.

and i turn from running, take a deep breath, and let Beauty wash over me one more time.

buy elora nicole’s new eBook, ‘When Beauty Pursues You,’ here.